Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
