90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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