On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
