after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
