I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize