you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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