That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
