remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
