He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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