We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
