She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
