i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
