; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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