girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
