Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
