Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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