I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
