There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
