I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
