you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
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