all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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