Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
