when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
