its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
