All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
