I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You did what with his pubic hair?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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