if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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