i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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