i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
