Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
