Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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