it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize