i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
