I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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