Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
People in love make me want to vomit
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
