I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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