Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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