My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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