I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
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