i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
