i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
