If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
