Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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