just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
