Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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