grandma shit on top of the toilet
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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