I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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