you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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