So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
