the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If I die, sorry about rent.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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