Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
