i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
