Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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