I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
