god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
