Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
