Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
